Researchers announce:"We have solved the "dark matter" riddle.

    A groundbreaking discovery in the fields of astronomy and physics was announced today by Fabiola Gianotti, Director-General of the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN).  Standing before a large gathering of scientific-journal reporters on Thursday morning who were called together for a press conference Gianotti proclaimed, "I am pleased to announce that we have solved it.  We now have the answers to the questions of 'Dark Matter, and 'Dark Energy'".

    The notion of so called "Dark Matter" was first proposed in 1933 by the Swiss astronomer,  Fritz Zwicky.  Zwicky was the first to notice that all clusters of galaxies moved much faster than could be accounted for by their visible mass.  This has led Astronomers on an eighty three year quest to solve the riddle of the missing matter that Zwicky dubbed "Dark Matter".  
    The force which is commonly referred to as "Dark Energy" was first discovered in 1998 by two teams of astronomers who used light measurements from distant supernovae to prove that, contrary to expectation based on all previous observations,  the expansion of the Universe is accelerating.
    Together, the observations suggest that Dark Matter and Dark Energy might account for as much as 80% of our universe.  The notion that what we can observe with our finest instruments may only comprise 20% or less of what actually exists has baffled scientists for decades.  
    Charlse R. Alcock, director of the Harvard-Smithsonian center for astrophysics told us, "Look, you need to understand one very important thing about Dark Matter and Dark energy.  We call them "dark" because we haven't directly observed them.  We have observed the effects of an unknown matter, and an unknown energy at work in our Universe, thats it.  So basically we have no idea what they might actually be".  
    All of that consternation came to a swift end this week thanks to the groundbreaking work at CERN, says Hitoshi Murayama, a professor of physics at Berkley.  "The researchers at CERN realized this week that all this time we had been going about it all wrong.  A few of us started tossing around the idea that maybe it wasn't really all that important, and it was like a lightbulb came on.  Just like that we had our new theory".
    Fabiola Gianotti told us that as the new theory occurred to her team at CERN, they immediately began testing and experimentation.  As we are all well aware, it is important in any scientific study for researchers to remain objective, and to conduct experimentation which can either prove, or disprove new theories.  We started with applying the new theory to examine Dark Matter and our results were as predicted.  Dark Matter and Dark energy are actually made entirely of what researchers are calling "Doesn't Matter".  Astounded by the apparent simplicity of their findings, Gianotti and her research team began to apply the new model to other, more ordinary things, and as Gianotti said, "That is when things began to get REALLY interesting.  When we began to examine other structures in the universe, we began to find that so long as we remained truly objective, the results always seemed to be the same.  Even ordinary matter, as well as all the empty space, and even things that are difficult to measure such as ideas, feelings, and beliefs, absolutely everything we looked at seemed to be made entirely of "Doesn't Matter".
    With a tremendous amount of excitement, the team at CERN began reaching out to colleagues around the world to share their idea with the hope that other physicists could run their own tests and corroborate the data.  The information surged around the globe and was taken up by astronomers and physicists in every country, and every scientist who has remained objective has confirmed that they too have found that the entire universe is in fact made entirely of Doesn't Matter.

    A few researchers, such as Christian Batista, Professor of theoretical condensed matter physics at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville disagree with the new theory.  "Its absolute rubbish", Batista said in a telephone interview.  "At first I was impressed, because when I looked at Dark Matter, and even distant galaxies they did in fact seem to be made of Doesn't Matter, but when I began looking at my career, my religious values, and my children the new theory fell apart.  I found that these things are all made up of 'Matters Very Much'".  Most other researchers dismiss Batista's findings as biased.  When the other 37 other physics and Astronomy professors at the University of Tennessee were asked to corroborate Batista's findings, only two came up with the same result as Batista.  One of these was Adolfo Aguiluz, professor of Theoretical condensed matter physics.  "Over-all I stand with Batista on this issue" said Aguiluz.  "I did find that Batista's religious views are made of Doesn't Matter, but our common ground came when I looked at Batista's children, who are definitely made of Matters Very Much".  When we asked Aguiluz what evidence he had to support this claim he said "My kids sometimes play at the Batistas' house with their kids, and it's the only peace and quiet I ever get".   The other 35 researchers found that not only are Batista's career, religious values, and children made entirely of Doesn't Matter, but so is Batista himself.    The head of the University of Tennessee physics and astronomy department, Hanno Wietering said that the discrepancy is easily explained.  "Mr. Batista's findings have been influenced by his opinions.  Opinions which are also entirely made up of Doesn't Matter".
    We asked Fabiola Gianotti about this quarrel going on in the physics department at the University of Tennessee, and many other places around the globe.  Gianotti at first seemed a little surprised that Tennessee even had a physics department, but quickly regaining her composure she said "It is safe to say that Mr. Weitering is correct.   People are made of Doesn't Matter, so obviously their opinions are also made of Doesn't Matter."  Gianotti added "It's surprising how much trouble can come of something that's made of Doesn't Matter, but when you remain objective you can see that the trouble itself is also made of Doesn't Matter.  The stars and galaxies are made of Doesn't Matter.  The Earth is made of Doesn't Matter.  You are made of Doesn't Matter, and so am I and so is everyone else.    Your children? Doesn't Matter.  Your hopes, dreams, fears?  All Doesn't Matter.".
    It may take the world a little while to get used to the fact, but the research is conclusive and the results are overwhelming.  The entire universe and everything in it is made entirely of Doesn't Matter.  Perhaps this new understanding of our universe will help us all relax, and even be a little kinder toward one another...   not that in the end it matters.